I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
