Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
