We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
