I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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