I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
