Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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