I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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