Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
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she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
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I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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