A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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