I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
