Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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