She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
