if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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