I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
