You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
