just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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