Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
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