So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
