You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
