Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
The Olympian is in my bed
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
