ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
