i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
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Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
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And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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