We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
