My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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