I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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