apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
