someone threw a dead crab at me
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
