my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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