I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
