Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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