if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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