This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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