dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
