thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
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I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
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Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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