I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
