Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
