Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
