After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
