Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I faked an abortion last night.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
