Pass out mid-funnel last night.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
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He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
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I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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