sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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