Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
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I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
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WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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