does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
