My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
