wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
