Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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