Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
