Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just found puke in my bra..
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
you never un-have a 4some
Randomize
