i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
