i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
