I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
