And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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