The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
When did we convert life to cartoon?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
