I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
