I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
