Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
