I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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