You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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