I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
