Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
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