Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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