Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
