Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
