my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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